One year ago, we knew we had to do something for our son, who was 9 at the time.  We had just started 4th grade and the anxiety and “self-hatred” attacks (as I call them) were getting out of control.  The month leading up to 4th grade had seen the most melt downs and inconsolable debates that we had ever experienced.  Nights where he would cry and tell us how stupid and ugly he was.  He wished that he was dead.  I couldn’t take it any more.  I did what I always do….Google.

A few weeks ago, I attended a retreat in San Diego, the theme was ‘Dream Big’.  We were asked at the opening “What is your intention for this weekend?”.  I had been thinking a lot about this on the way to the retreat because of the struggles and blocks I was facing before I came. I resolved to “trust and surrender” to break through my barriers.  What I didn’t know was that I was getting ready to get the biggest trust exercise that I never even thought would be possible that weekend.

Having a child is the most beautiful, surreal, challenging and sometimes heartbreaking time in your life.  When I had my first child, it was the most surreal moment of my life.  They put him, tiny, wet, shriveled little body on my belly and I remember feeling like, “this isn’t real, what is happening?” I had an out of body experience.  We had thought all along he was a girl (we didn’t find out), let alone a real, live human being.  To say that I didn’t take to motherhood well was a hushed, not-talked-about, secret I held. I had a romanticized vision of what motherhood would be like.  It. was. not. that.

When you are around an anxious person, how do you feel? Irritated, annoyed, concerned, afraid, anxious yourself? Imagine being a child and feeling that from the very person that is there to protect you and make you feel safe? How can they feel safe when they feel your worry?

My daughter came home from school with a sign up sheet for the talent show.  She enthusiastically let me know that she wanted to be in it.  In my knee-jerk reaction I blurted out “Are you sure?  What would you do?” She said “I don’t know, I just want to be in it”.  Even more warily, I said “Do you even know what it is?  It’s where you stand on a stage up in front of everyone and do a talent.”  This time with the added touch of fear in my voice.  That caught her attention.  And she decided that she didn’t want to do it.

I crushed her spirit right then and there

So many thoughts were going through my mind. The time I sang the star spangled banner at a basketball game and my voice cracked and one of my teammates laughed.  All the times I was wrecked with nerves when I had performances (did I mention I used to be a voice major?).  In that moment, I unintentionally pushed all of my fears onto her.